PSA; This was written in 2019 and i’m officially a year clean of bulimia 🙂
After getting messages from a previous blog post on what its like suffering from depression and how it helped people know they aren’t alone, I decided to pinpoint my biggest secret I have withheld until this very day. I suffered from bulimia for two years before I was forced to admit it to my doctor. I will never forget the day I sat in the doctor’s chair and told her why my stomach is so disintegrated. This is the first time I am publicly writing about this on my blog. I have covered many topics with my time on odyssey online, but this was the one I shied away from. For personal reasons of course.
When I was in high school I hit my highest weight of about 200 pounds. I was tormented every day and harassed from the time I got to homeroom, to the breaks in the hall, to the girl’s locker room. The amount of pain I endured from my teen years is something that played a big role in the disorder itself. When I was 18 I finally had lost 60 pounds. I did by running 6 miles every day for a year and eating healthy. Flash forward to that summer I had finally reached my goal weight and was anxious to put weight back on so that was the first time I had made myself sick.
I will one hundred percent say this is a form of mental illness. This disorder is the most sinister illness I can say I have been through. It doesn’t matter if you are overweight, thin, or even the perfect size, anybody can have it. I looked my best while I was at my lowest. I would binge eat everything in sight once a day, and then it would happen. Nothing felt more disgusting, yet self-satisfying then to do my biggest and most feared secret. It only got worse once I moved into my apartment with five other girls in Florida. I ended up leaving and everyone else thought it was for other reasons. Imagine running ( at this point I had only enough strength to do 3 miles) on an empty stomach because you only ate once a day while working 50 hours a week. I never wanted to share this with anyone because the way the media portrays this disorder is a disgrace. In movies, they make it so hysterically dramatic to the point where you can’t picture it happening in real life. I ate like a bird and people took notice. Hell, it even ruined a family vacation because I had anxiety about eating 24/7. It started out as a way to keep the weight off but turned into a way to relieve myself of everyday stressors. I started distancing myself from family and friends and turning into a turtle who was stuck in her shell. I was lashing out on everyone around me and I didn’t recognize this girl anymore.
For two years I let this go on until one morning I woke up and could not see straight. In a hazy fog, I knew what was going on. I had no food in me and I was 12 pounds underweight. It was time to get it together. I had decided I was going to recover on my own after a visit with my family doctors. I can’t say these past two years have been easy with it, and I also can’t say I haven’t relapsed. As of September I was officially two years clean and made a dumb mistake about a month ago when I was stressed out to do it again. With recovery comes the relapse and I’ve held out this long. About 5 days ago I chose the choice to get clean again from this evil disorder and get my life back on track. I ran 6 miles again every other day this week, and started a healthy diet and have managed to lose 3 pounds the right way. After two years of dealing with these empty promises and a false sense of security, I am finally doing the right thing.
I can say this week physically I have never felt better. The mental part will come back with time. I cannot wait to be my former self again, it has been a while since I saw her. And to the people who are aware of why I have been acting the way I have been acting, thank you for sticking around until I was able to realize what path I was going back down. It does get better, even when you fall back down, and I am living proof. This is the best decision I made two years ago, and again five days ago. I will not let this define me as a person because it is not who I am or who I will be. “You are free to drop off the skeletons/ the skeletons that you don’t identify with anymore.” – @poetry131
If you or anyone you know is struggling with this disorder please contact halfofus.com for help. This disorder consumes the lives of over 30 million people a year in the United States alone.